WELL, there are a lot of subjects columnists should no longer write about, and drinking is one of them. In truth, I'm like Dean Martin, who only pretended to drink a lot. Besides, it's a boring subject. Another b.s.: traffic. Running red lights is no longer news. It is now taken for granted. I've seen jerks run the light right in front of police cars and get away with it. Maybe somewhere in this great city of ours, a cop is sirening down a red-light runner at this very moment but I sort of doubt it . . . After many searching conversations with cabbies and bus drivers, I find that what bugs them most is the same thing that gives me caenniption fits: pedestrians walking against the ``Don't Walk'' or flashing red hand. Traffic backs up for half a block while some idiot saunters across a downtown intersection -- illegally. Walking against the light is a $55 infraction and with thousands doing it daily at every downtown intersection, the city could collect enough in a week to balance the budget. However, the police are too busy doing whatever it is they do, and there aren't enough of them. Police departments are always broke and undermanned, or so they say.
NATTERING ON: While Mayor Jordan Was happily biking around town Thurs., the PG&E was slapping a public notice on the front door of his Pac. Heights residence for nonpayment of a ``several hundred dollar'' gas bill. Wendy, who wears the pants in the family, also pays the checks so we know who's to blame. I'd say the PG&E . . . Here's a sticker looking for a bumper: ``The PG&E Is a Turnoff'' . . . Oh, by the way, Happy Tax Freedom Day! Up until today, every cent you earned in 1995 went to Uncle Sam but for the rest of the year, you're working for yourself, and do you know anybody nicer to work for? Still, we are losing ground. Last year, points out Jack Early Bird, the cutoff date was May 5 . . . Getting back to the mayor, didja see those newsphotos of Jordan riding a bike while wearing a tiny helmet? Reminded a lot of people of the photo that swung an election: George Dukakis in a tank.
MEANWHILE: Abiquiu, the Southwestern- style restaurant in Kimpton's Monticello Inn Hotel on Ellis, folds May 15. Moral: a name nobody can spell or pronounce is generally a bad idea . . . Free freebie! The cast and 10-piece swing band of ``The Big Broadcast'' show, now killing 'em at the theater in the Presidio, will do a noon-1 p.m. show at Justin Herman Plaza on Wednesday . . . If you've been holding your breath till Gail De Martini marries Melvin Belli, I think you can exhale now . . . Good ol' Mel, by the way, forgot to pay receptionist Grace Delgado so she clobbered him in small claims court for $3,700 and danged if he hasn't forgotten to pay that, too . . . Over the sand dabs at Jack's, Big Joe Alioto disclosed that he and his sometimes-feuding sons will close ranks to be Angela's finance chairmen in her run for mayor. When one of these chaps drops around and says ``Hey, haven't you forgotten something, friend?'', don't even think twice. Small bills, please.
FUN ON the infobahn (from the Sheriff's Log in the San Luis Obispo Telegram): ``A man in the 3200 block of
BOTTOM LINES: Tony Lima of the 'postrophe posse nailed Nat'l League umpire Ed Montague. First day back on the job after the strike, Ed walked into Candlestick carrying a big sign reading ``Thanks Fan's For Your Support.'' Yerrrrrout!