Wednesday, September 26, 2007

"Arch" speaks his mind


Alan Archibald, a teacher from North Carolina, gets set off by my statement that Israel is very likely to destroy Iran's nuclear capability before it becomes usable.

Here is what he says:


Although Israel does have better intel than the United States, it is also more paranoid.

I can not imagine Iran nuking Israel.

Why?
There is not a nation on earth that doesn't assume Washington will OBLITERATE any polity that nukes Israel.

When Ahmadinejad talks about the destruction of Israel, he may envision -- as Ariel Sharon himself did -- that demographics are very much against Israel's survival while simultaneously favoring Palestinian “absorption” of Israel.

In terms of Palestine's ancient history, the day is not distant when Israel will become Palestinian due to changing demographics within Israel.

My sister's friend Dana used to perform "live" interpretation at the United Nations. Decades ago, Dana informed Janet that U.S. press coverage of Kruschov's proclamation “We will bury you” was substantively inaccurate. The more accurate translation would have been "We will leave you in the dust."

Israel, like many economically-developed countries is not replacing its population.

Although such reproductive shrinkage has evident downside effects concerning support for a large number of retirees and the need for lots of imported labor to service the burgeoning retiree population, it is also true that when societies fail to replace themselves a profound ennui takes root which does not bode well for future vitality.

Israel's greatest existential threat is that Israelis are not willing to have enough children.

I encourage you to listen to "Voice of Dissent" in which Iranian dissident Akbar Ganji supplies a view that diverges greatly – and very intelligently -- from the "official story" of Washington-Israel. Clearly, Ganji is NO friend of the mullahs. However, he also sees that military action against Iran is the worst imaginable tactic.

Although there is plenty of blame to go around, on balance the Israelis perpetrate more violence on Palestinians than vice versa.

More fundamentally, I do not honor modern Israel's territorial claim to Palestine, and therefore do not prioritize Israel’s "existential" concern.

The statute of limitations ran out sometime between the Diaspora in 70 A.D. and the establishment of the Israeli state in 1948.

Any American who thinks otherwise should support the return of the United States to Native American Tribes whose expropriation began in 1620 and ended in 1890. (Arguably the Seminoles “held out” – as did southern Quintana Roo Mayans -- til the 20th century.

Compromise?



O.K.



Just give Florida back.



Really.



Give it back.

As for recent Israeli belligerence, Olmert's war on Lebanon was an act of barbaric savagery.

I continue to wonder: “Where are the four Israeli soldiers whose "rescue" motivated the war - a war whose substantive outcome is that Arabs everywhere know that Israel is now beatable (except for her nukes).

As we will hopefully learn in Iraq, firepower is most persuasive when used as a threat and not as enacted policy.

Pax on both houses,

Alan

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Gleaning Potatoes

The First Annual Beaver Marsh Road "As God as my Witness, I'll Never Go Hungry Again" Potato Gleaning Jamboree will be held Saturday September 29, at 11 a.m. All are welcome. Bring gunnysacks and buckets. Many hundreds of pounds of yellow Finn and red potatoes have been overlooked by the mechanical harvester -- and they are yours courtesy of the landowner, who has given permission for the gleaning. It's an old custom -- you can get a winter's supply of potatos in a few hours. Otherwise the potatos will rot and go to waste.

Come to Beaver Marsh Road, one-half mile north of McLean Road -- you'll see us out in the field.

Willie and Joe

Willi and Joe were my favorite guys when I was a kid. We had a copy of the cartoons by Bill Mauldin in a book called "Up Front."

I never went to the war or to the Army -- it was Viet Nam -- but I always wanted to dig holes like Willie and Joe did, and tramp around in the mud. Maybe that's why I became a landscaper. Man, I have shovelled enough dirt to fill a cathedral

Monday, September 24, 2007

Not Iran, but Michael Hood from LaConner

Iran -- no problem. If Iran develops a nuclear capability, Israel will take it out. Iran's bomb will be aimed at Tel Aviv. Israel knows this, and has much better intelligence than the US has, and also has the means and determination to destroy an Iranian nuclear threat. Therefore, let them. The US doesn't need to get involved.

Having said that, let's go back to 1979. Shouldn't we have backed up the Shah more vigorously? He was your average, brutal, corrupt Middle Eastern dictator, but he was on our side. Ideally, we should have propped him up, while nurturing the nascent professional middle class in Iran which strives, then and now, for Western-style democratic customs.

BLOG BUSINESS. Many old FROG HOSPITAL newsletter readers do not like this blog. I can only say that they will continue to receive the newsletter, and they are right to say to hell with blogs.

BLATHERWATCH. LaConner's own Michael Hood, father of Milo, ex of Rose, is doing well down in Seattle with his BlatherWatch Blog -- insider media gossip. He does that semi-erotic thing where he tells you a little bit about who's zooming who at certain Seattle radio stations. You get the impression that Hood knows a lot more than he is telling. That's the tease.

He also gets the Seattle zeitgeist -- I know I don't. I'm down in Seattle once or twice a month, and I really like going there, but I haven't got a clue. Actually I don't even care. Seattle is an expensive adult playground. It's claim to be progressive is laughable. There's no children -- Seattle has the second lowest children per capita in the country -- San Francisco is first, of course. There can be no progress, no matter how you define it, without children.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Rexville Store -- the Koreans might buy it










Stuart and Joyce Welch have operated the Rexville Store, between LaConner and Mount Vernon, for eight years, but they are looking to sell it.

They built the business up very nicely and everybody loves going there, but 12 hour days, seven days a week got to be a bit too much after all these years, so a for sale sign got pounded into the ground in the gravel parking lot.

I hope they can sell it for a lot of money, and all cash -- they deserve every penny and may they take a long trip to somewhere else and maybe send us a postcard. They gave us so much, we can only be grateful and wish them the best.

So, I want to firmly counter any criticism of the Welches should they decide to sell it to the Koreans, who happen to own most of the other small grocery stores in this area.

For one thing, I like the Koreans, they are excellent merchants. It's true that they can be a little stiff in their presentation, and not too much of that "Hey, how are you doing?" like you get from Stuart and Joyce. The Koreans actually are friendly people, just a little shy and a little formal.

Anyway, the idea that the Welches owe the community anything -- like selling the business to the kind of people we want -- that is repellent.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Support the Skagitonians

Support Skagitonians Dedicated to the Genteel Decline of Agriculture in Our Valley. The annual Skagitonians banquet is being held this very night, a big fundraiser -- a sold out affair, according to Stuart Welch of Rexville who has rented a tuxedo and will serve as M.C. for the festivities.

People support this group because --- I could never figure that out -- because they have nice posters and good art. It's a public relations thing. Skagitonians makes farmers look good. But it seems much simpler to me because my notion of agriculture is not romantic. Farmers keep farming if they make money. If they don't make money, they stop farming. All those guys you see out there farming are making money.

For myself, I sometimes support agriculture -- when it supports me. Last month I worked for a farmer near LaConner for one week, planting cabbages. I got paid -- that's what I like about agriculture.

If you're not really interested in farming, but if you want to feel good about it, then you should support Skagitonians and buy one of their posters.

Truce with the Co-op

I became critical of the Co-op management when they wouldn't hire my African wife to work in the Deli -- they said her English wasn't good enough. She was hired shortly afterward at another deli, where they thought here English WAS good enough. This disturbed me. I began to look into the history and structure of the Food Co-op, which is now a successful natural food business with millions in sales and dozen of employees who earn good wages and have decent benefits.

I voiced my criticisms and was met with shocked silence by other Co-op members who, almost unanimously, feel that the Co-op is simply too good and beyond any reproach.

What could I do? Wage a one man war? Forget that. Instead I resigned my membership and absolved myself of any responsibility. I sit now in the Deli enjoying a delicious bowl of oatmeal. I often meet my friends here when I shop.

But, I still notice, have always suspected, not just here, but at other natural food businesses, a disturbing Aryan quality.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Photo by Tara Nelson

Photo by Tara Nelson, one of the really sharp minds in journalism these days. Tara took this photo -- of me -- at the Fishtown Revival and Clambake down in Seattle last night. The survivors, aging artists who once built alder wood fires, huddling over darkened stoves, in small cabins out on the Skagit River, gathered once more to drink a toast to the glorious past of "never was."

It never happened -- those moonlit nights, quiet paddling canoes, and the song of birds. Fishtown was only a dream.

The exhibit of the Fishtown artists, including work by Robert Sund, Charlie Krafft, Bill Slater and several others, is at Kobo in the Higo Gallery in the International District.

Why Ron Paul?

Ron Paul -- I like him better as a person than anyone else. I never liked John Kerry -- no one else did either. Also, the big parties kind of run things from the top down -- I would have no chance of input. I had no input on Kerry's campaign, and I would not have any input for Obama et al.

Paul is quite a steady fellow, not the angry type, a doctor, ob/gyn, not originally from Texas and does not have the accent, age 70 -- a good role model for a 61-year-old like me.

This is also a matter of self-preservation. Call me paranoid, but Hillary is going to purge the ranks when she takes over -- deviant liberal males will be put through harsh self-criticism routines. I have made more than a few intemperate remarks myself -- nothing on the scale of Don Imus -- but when I saw what happened to him, I figured I would be next, except that I am protected by my insignificance.

Nevertheless, acting on this fear, I am running for cover with the Paul people -- all the kooks in America are joining up here -- I might even feel normal.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007



I'm going to support Ron Paul for President. He's not one of those angry shouters -- he actually seems like a very kind man. Paul is not some crazed athletic overachiever -- just vigorous. In other words, he acts his age -- 70.

I am examining his positions on various issues -- but agreeing with him is hardly the point. That is not how I make a decision on who to support. Mainly, I think I could have an honest conversation with Dr. Paul. and if we had that conversation we would understand each other. Agreeing is always nice, of course.

But the whole work of politics is working with people you don't agree with

Tuesday, September 18, 2007



Charlie Krafft at Fishtown, about thirty years ago. Fishtown was torn down in 1988 -- just a bunch of old shacks out on the river. It's gone now, and it doesn't matter.

The Cabbage Gang

First, a comment about "climate change." The phrase is redundant. Climate and change mean practically the same thing. That's why we call it "the weather."

Which is something that farmers understand. I have a friend who farms outside of LaConner, and being short of help, he asked me to work for him last week to plant the cabbage seed crop.

Many thousands of cabbage seeds had been carefully, mechanically deposited into hundred of trays in late July to begin the crop. By mid-August the little plants were 3-4 inches tall with several light-green leaves -- ready to go into the field.

The seedling trays are loaded on to trucks and carried out to fields in various parts of the Skagit Valley for transplanting.

The transplanter, powered by hydraulic hoses, is carried behind a medium-size tractor. Two field hands ride on the transplanter and take the plants from the trays and drop them into a tube, which goes down to the ground, where a small furrow has been made. The transplanter squirts a bit of water and then smooths the soil around the seedling as it moves down the field at the pace of a slow walk.

Another field hand walks behind the transplanter. His job is to poke little plants into holes which may have been missed, or to straighten them out a bit, if they are planted sideways or upside down, as sometimes happens.

All the cabbage seedling trays are carefully labeled, according to type, and whether they are designated male or female. The boy cabbage seedlings get blue tags, and the girls have pink tags.

Every variety must be placed in a separate field to prevent one kind from breeding with another. It's very complicated, and the farmer, who organizes all this, sometimes tears his hair out with frustration if the wrong tray gets sent to the wrong field.

This is a seed crop. The seedlings will mature into youthful cabbages by late fall, and then go dormant through the winter. In early spring, they will grow again, but, because this is their second season, the cabbages will not turn into cabbage heads, the kind we eat, but will grow into 4-foot bushes with creamy-yellow flowers in the merry month of May.

The plants continue to mature and produce seed pods, which are harvested in July. These seeds will be cleaned, sorted, and sold to farmers all over the world and we will all have plenty of cabbages for kole slaw and kim chee and sauerkraut.

The farmer I worked for is a first-rate fellow and, as hard as we worked, there were plenty of jokes and songs and stories among the crew. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I also found it, at age 61, exhausting. My co-workers were all under the age of 30 and none the worst for wear. But I made a joke about it. "Soy viejo y mi espalda se duele," I sang out, as we walked across the dusty field, "I am old and my back hurts."

I was the only one who spoke English. No matter, I can speak country Spanish pretty well, by which I mean that country people from Mexico are very tolerant of mangled Spanish. It makes them laugh. So I began to make up nonsense songs, like, "Yo no puedo cantar, porque no se las palabras, la-la-la, la-la-la." That means, "I can't sing because I don't know the words, and la-la-la, and la-la-la."

Singing made me feel less tired. Fairly soon I was getting requests from the two ladies on the crew. I dug into my repertoire of Tejano music -- the Hispanic music from Texas -- especially the great soulful songs of Freddie Fender, who died last year.

Surprisingly, they had never heard of Freddie Fender. I guess not, because they were from Cuernavaca, a pretty little town near to Mexico City and they have a different kind of music down there.

"Pero yo conosco Cuernavaca, hace muchos anos," I said. "I know Cuernavaca, I was there many years ago."

Then they said, "Are you married." No. "Why not?" Mala suerte -- bad luck, I answered.

So it went, hour after hour, down the row, turn the tractor, down the next row. Stop at the water tank and fill the tractor again. Wait for the truck to bring out more seedling trays from the greenhouse. Take a longer break when the hydraulic hose snapped a coupler and needed repair.

Looking at the sky, it was not hot, but it was full sun and glaring in the wide field. I had taken off my flannel shirt as it got warmer. But I could feel the sun bearing down hard and sapping my strength. So I put my flannel shirt back on and rolled down the sleeves. I tied a cotton kerchief around my neck, and I put on my sunglasses. This made me more comfortable.

Later, I asked the tractor driver, "Que le gusta mas, una flaca o una mujer gordita?" Which do you like better, a skinny woman or a fat woman? This got a lot of laughs. The tractor driver said he preferred the fat ones. Whether he was telling the truth or being diplomatic, I couldn't say.

So the day passed and the week went by. I wasn't able to return to the fields the following week because of obligations in my landscaping work -- but I'm glad I did it, and I got paid, and I'd like to go again sometime.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Third Street in downtown Floresville, the county seat of Wilson County. Looks like a pretty quiet place. I worked there for 18 months at the weekly newspaper. I like to look at this photo because everything is so calm and quiet.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Fred Owens


I worked as the farm and ranch editor of the Wilson County News in Floresville, Texas -- they took this picture of me, smiling at my desk.

I left Texas earlier this year and returned to the Seattle area.

learning to blog

I invented the e-mail newsletter as a format in 1998 -- at least nobody told me there was such a thing until I thought it up myself. What I did was just start sending out a mass e-mail to myself with everybody else in BCC. It was clumsy then because I had to send them out in packets of 100 or less. That would take an hour or so, if it went well. But it cost nothing -- that was the beauty of it, and I actually made money because I sold subscriptions for $25, and took in as much as $2,000 per annum -- writing 25 issues per year. I made it clear that people could stay on the list whether they paid or not -- but I still got the checks.

I wrote on a variety of topics, about half of them political. The length was 1,200 words. I put in a zinger in the last paragraph to see how many people made it to the end. The letter was widely forwarded, so I figured I had about 500+ readers.

My politics were all over the place. I often wished I could be like Molly Ivins -- She made a good living with a well-known and established target -- fat cat Republicans -- never ran short of material, and her faithful lib readers knew she would never turn her critical gaze on them. Molly was safe and warm -- I often wished I could be like her, because Frog Hospital would be more marketable.

But my habit was to fire in all directions and no one was safe -- there are so many idiots out there across the political spectrum.

This was a great hindrance to growth, and I did not know how to fix it.

In an effort to be part of the team, I journeyed to Columbus Ohio in 2004 and spent two months working on the staff for John Kerry. I stayed on message the whole time -- a test of self-discipline, and something I will never do again. The motherfuckers lost. I was working for idiots. I could have won Ohio -- or at least they might have just once asked me what I thought. The campaign was run by lawyers from Mass and wannabe trendoids from California. Actual Ohio people served as drones. No wonder they lost.

A year later I went to South Texas and worked as a reporter for a large and very excellent weekly newspaper near San Antonio. My boss was a very conservative woman who had the guts to hire me. She paid me all right. She even solicited my opinion from time to time. I could not agree with her politics and yet I was well-treated -- got used to teenagers calling me Sir. I specialized in writing the farm and ranch news -- it was fun visiting cowboys and farmers and they loved my stories.

But it was a bit isolating in that small Texas town -- more than a bit isolating -- so I came back here.

I still like politics, but I have no home. Meanwhile Frog Hospital is languishing in the e-mail newsletter format. Revenue is down. Everybody has moved to the blogs. I am trying to get the hang of blogs, but I remain a bit bewildered by the format.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Seed and Stone

On 8/11/07, Fred Owens wrote:


Every thing on Earth, everything you see, is made from seed and stone, and the combination thereof, which produces soil, flowers, grass and trees. Seed and stone are not opposites, and not the same either.

THE IMPORTANCE OF GREENS. We can thank our African friends and neighbors and, by diffusion, people of Southern stock, for bringing greens to our table, but they are somewhat under-utilized and poorly understood. I mean collards and kale and beet greens and so on. They yield in abundance and stay fresh, ready to pick, until the very coldest weather. Greens are for nourishment and fill you up nicely. Cook them thoroughly and don't worry about the loss of Vitamin C which you can get elsewhere. You eat greens for the iron and calcium.

SHOP CHEAP AT THE CO-OP. The Co-op is an expensive store if you buy prepared and packaged food. The way to shop cheap is to proceed directly to bulk foods and just buy the ingredients, then go to the produce section and fill up your cart. Stay away from those other aisles because, if you want to just pop it in the microwave, you will pay an arm and a leg.

PLANT DISEASE. Plant disease is a subject worthy of lifelong study, but it can be summed up in one simple sentence. "All plants die, sooner or later, from one thing or another."

Through research and experience, you might discover why your plant died, but it will still be dead.

HUSBAND PROBLEMS. Many women have faced this situation: "Honey, I just went to Lowe's and bought a chain saw. Now I can help you prune the lilacs."

He means wells. He wants to help, and it is never good to make a man feel small with criticism. Nevertheless you must impose your body between him and the lilacs. Stall, if necessary, and then re-direct his energy. "You know, I was just hoping that you could build me a trellis for these roses near the garage." He will be glad to hear that, because then he can go back to Lowe's and buy more power equipment. After he builds the trellis, tell him you need a wrought iron gate, and then he can go buy welding tools.

Eventually he will find other things to do

LOSING TROWELS. If you buy a $20 trowel by mail order from Smith & Hawken, you will lose it in a week. But if you buy a $5 trowel at Wal-Mart, it will last all summer.

The length of time it takes to lose your trowel varies inversely with its cost.

PRUNING BOOKS. Most libraries carry a good selection of garden books. They are good for dreaming and learning. The Sunset magazine "Western Garden Book" is a solid reference tool. I also recently read a book about Claude Monet's wonderful garden in France.

However, there is a caution about studying pruning books. They tend to make you feel stupid, like you've been doing it wrong all these years. When I teach people how to prune, I concentrate on building their confidence rather than pointing out their mistakes. You will develop an eye for it over time.

PEONIES LAST ALMOST FOREVER. My parents bought a house in Illinois in 1946, the year I was born. My mother planted peonies by the back fence, where they could get full sunlight.

It was my job in the fall to cover up the peonies with dead leaves to protect them in the cold Midwestern winter. The idea was to let them freeze. The blanket of leaves would keep them frozen until spring and then the peonies would come up again in the spring.

The peonies bloomed every year for 50 years. My mother died and we sold the house in 1996, but the peonies might still be there.

FARMLAND PRESERVATION. It is all well and good that organizations such as Skagitonians to Preserve Farmland build public awareness about encroachment of development on agricultural land, but it really comes down to farm income. If the farmer makes money, he will keep farming. If the farmer cannot make money, he will quit farming and find some other occupation.

Therefore, all agricultural support groups need to work towards increasing farm income if they are to be effective.

A farmer might be a popular fellow and still go broke.

ARE COWS DUMB? I observed the 5 p.m. milking at Messman's Dairy last week. They milk 80 cows in a milking parlor that holds 16 cows, eight on each side. While one side is being milked by the machine, they get the other side ready.

The cows are in a holding pen while they wait their turn. The milker was proud of the ease in which the cows were led to the milking stations -- no yelling or hitting. The cows were very gentle and that comes from good and kind treatment.

One cow went the wrong way. She walked up the wrong plank and came to a chain and couldn't go any further. Meanwhile the other cows had gone up the right way into the milking station.

So this wrong-way cow had a problem and needed to think it out: "Wrong way, Can't Go, What do I do?"

She was a big, bony girl who gives gallons of milk every day, a valuable animal, and yet she was not working with a lot of mental power. She just stood there for a while, bumping up against the chain, gathering her thoughts, sorting out her options.

Finally, it came to her: "Turn around and go back."

Which she did, and then she found the other gate that was open and joined her cow friends at the milking station.

This was not a dumb cow. She knew her limitations, but utilized the resources she had, and solved the problem.

AFFAIRS OF THE HEART. This is a message for a friend: "Take a chance, baby. You die of love or you die of loneliness."

DECLUTTER THE GARAGE. A farmer friend told me he wished the world was flat. "If the world was flat, we could push all that stuff off the edge."

Otherwise, you need to throw it away. I offer a garage/barn/attic/basement organizing service. I am not kidding. I can arrange things so that you can actually get to them, but do not call me unless you are serious, because we will throw things away as part of the cleaning up. Generally, if you haven't used the ping pong table in a couple of years, you need to haul it out to the front yard with a sign that says "Take, Free." It will soon be gone.

PLAN NO PLAN. I advocate a method of garden design called "Plan No Plan." If you hire a designer and spend a few dollars and you like the plan and it comes out all right, that's good. But it will still look like you had it done. The very best design work looks like it was always there -- that's what I do.

LANDSCAPE DESIGN & GARDEN WORK: I have interesting projects going in the Skagit Valley and also in Seattle. Call me at 360-739-0214 if you want something done.

Friday, August 10, 2007

August in the Skagit

Just today I thought I might start writing my blog again -- that might be a good thing.
My newsletter is all about gardening and farming now. I have abandoned politics as a topic -- just can't do that anymore.

But I still have some personal things to say, so I might start putting them on the blog.

Maybe.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

July

I am at the All City Cafe in the Georgetown neighborhood in Seattle. There are some interesting posts on this blog -- written several months ago. Frog Hospital is not currently active.

Friday, May 11, 2007

A STORY IN THE MANNER OF JOAN DIDION

In September, 2005, my grown daughter and I were both visiting my sister in Los Angeles. We made a day trip to see two things – the M.A.S.H. site up in the Santa Monica Mountains, where they filmed the opening sequence of that television series, and Malibu Point, a famous surfing spot.
I wrote it in the style of Joan Didion who seems to understand and appreciate Los Angeles in a way that makes sense to me.


“I didn’t hear my brother wake up.”

I didn’t hear my brother wake up. My brother Tom has the bedroom – because he’s older and because he got here first. He moved into Carolyn’s house last January, separating from his wife Cheri who remains with their daughter in Altadena. Tom teaches school somewhere around here – a 45-minute drive. He gets up at 6:30 am. I must have slept soundly because I usually hear him wake up and that gets me started.

I hear him get up because I sleep right outside his bedroom in the Crafts Room, which is not private. I have a pad and a sleeping bag on the floor – very comfortable, also the only space left, unless I want to sleep on the couch in the living room, but my daughter is sleeping there, at least until next week, when she returns to Austin, Texas. My sister Carolyn’s house is not very big, but she has a warm, inviting attitude, so the house is rarely empty. Also, when you live a ten-minute walk from Venice Beach, you’re going to get lots of company.

I got up at 7 a.m. Tom had already left. Carolyn had the coffee made. I went outside and brought in the Los Angeles Times, tearing away the plastic cover. I started on the front page, but the Hurricane news didn’t interest me. I checked the editorial page and the columnists. The LA Times is kind of stuffy, nothing going here. What I wanted to read was the local stuff, in the section called “California,” especially the Entertainment News – this is the heart of it, the leading business in Los Angeles. It really matters. The big story was the first episode of "Commander in Chief” starring Geena Davis as the first female President of the United States. I said to Carolyn, “I liked Geena Davis in the Accidental Tourist with William Hurt, but I don’t care for anything she’s done lately. She won’t make a good President. I’m going to vote for Oprah.”

Carolyn agreed. But the thought of politics gave me a headache – I didn’t care who the President is now or who will be President in the future. I took a quicker look – this was safer and easier – at one of Arnold Schwarzenegger propositions for the November ballot, the one I clearly support, which will take redistricting out of the hands of the Legislature and into the hands of a panel of retired judges – an obvious reform. The rest of Schwarzenegger’s agenda is problematic.

I ate cold cereal and milk. Carolyn said to be sure to leave by 8:30 am because Maria was coming to clean the house. We were also to put our things away to make less work for Maria. She’s been working for Carolyn for a number of years. I met her once a few years ago. She’s very nice.

Eva got up. We started making a plan for the day’s outing. She said she wanted to go to a famous surfing spot – to see and be seen by surfer dudes, I suppose. I said we can go to Malibu Point, that’s a classic spot. The point break is much sought after by surfers, because the wave makes a long, slow curl coming in, and you get a longer ride. Surfing underpins the spiritual life of Los Angeles. To sit on the beach and watch the waves. To admire the surfers as young gods. This was an excellent choice – my daughter has good sense, although she is not inclined to make this a metaphysical exercise the way I do.

It’s hard to describe – even though I don’t live here -- that a very important part of my dream life is the surf and the waves. I really have to know it’s here, on the beach in southern California, and someday I will come back here and just never leave, but for now it’s enough to see the waves and re-new my life.

We were getting ready for the day, bringing a day pack with beach towels and sun block, paperbacks, sunglasses and a snack box. Eva made perfect avocado-turkey sandwiches on whole-wheat bread, putting each half-sandwich in a ziplock bag, and securing the integrity of each half-sandwich be spearing it with a tooth pick. She added peanuts and carrots, each in their own ziplock bag.

We left the house by 8:30 am, as we were told to do, and it was good to get away so early. The car windows were fogged up and wet. Being so close to the ocean, Carolyn’s house always gets the morning fog. I turned on the windshield wipers and we headed east on California Avenue, where Carolyn lives. We turned left on Lincoln Boulevard, a main thoroughfare, unglamorous and utilitarian, lined with car washes, gas stations, taco stands, supermarkets, dry cleaners, laundromats, etc. – things you need to do.

We stopped for gas at the “76.” Not quite ten gallons for $28. I made a note of that on the slip in my wallet. I have to watch my money very carefully right now. And I checked the oil – that was important too. Before I left the Skagit Valley, up north of Seattle, I had discovered a small oil leak. I drove the 1,300 miles to Los Angeles and lost about one half a quart – something I could live with until I can get the leak fixed – but I must watch it in the meantime.

We continued north on Lincoln Boulevard. The morning traffic wasn’t too bad, although Lincoln – in fact almost any major thoroughfare in Los Angeles – might be blocked up and jammed at any time during the day. You just know that. If you want to be in LA, and I very much do, you just ignore the traffic.

We got on Interstate Ten, the one that starts in Jacksonville, Florida, goes west to New Orleans, San Antonia, El Paso, Tucson, Phoenix, and across the Mojave Desert into Los Angeles. Los Angeles is so big that it’s a good two hour drive on I-10 from the eastern fringes out by San Bernardino, all the way across town, finally going west into the sunset at Santa Monica, where I-10 ends – at the Pacific Ocean.

I-10 is called the Santa Monica Freeway by the locals. We only used the last mile of it, to where it ends at the ocean and we swung to the north up the Pacific Coast Highway, also known as California State Highway 1.

We drove north underneath the Palisades, looking at the light brown exposed cliffs, that look like they will crumble anytime and slump onto the beach. In fact they do have frequent mudslides here, as everybody knows.

Eva was quiet. She is often animated, but the Pacific Ocean is soothing and we were headed for Malibu, a place of dreams if there ever was one, rich dreams, Mercedes Benz dreams and women of cinematic beauty.

It was too early for the beach and we wanted to be walking anyway. It’s 13 miles to the middle of Malibu, going past rows of the most expensive beach-front property, but you can only see the backsides of the stacked houses, where the owners park their cars, and all you can see is the garage door and a façade with only the smallest windows – the ocean view is on the other side.

In the middle of Malibu, is the town, if you can call it that, a shopping center with a Ralph’s Supermarket and a tiled courtyard with a pleasant fountain and more beautiful cars. We turned right and headed up Malibu Canyon Road. It’s six miles to the state park and the road twists through the rising foothill, tree-less, but the brush was still quite green, and I expected that was because the summer weather had not been too hot and dry.

In fact September had been cooler than usual, my sister said. September is often the hottest time of the year around here, but we had a really nice eighty degrees.

I was wearing short and sandals, a baseball cap and clip-on sunglasses. I brought shoes and socks for the walking part. We came to the state park and put the $8 fee into an envelope and kept the tag for our windshield. Eva was bummed out that we had to pay just for day use, but she said, “I suppose we shouldn’t cheat the state parks.”

We put two bottles of water into the day back, but left the lunch in the car. Eva walked past two older park rangers on her way to the john. Oh, they were a picture to me – two gentlemen in their early 60’s moving slowly around the restroom, checking the trash bins and such, clearly veterans of many years service. I envied their leisurely pace – they were getting paid to be in this lovely spot.

It’s wonderfully quiet in the foothills, only 20 miles from Carolyn’s house. This is one of her favorite places. She knows all the trails. That’s why it’s so wonderful living here, she said. You can get away from the traffic and noise and really be in nature.

We took off for the trail. My left leg had been feeling wobbly, a weakness that comes now and then, a result of my hamstring injury two years ago, but I figured the walk would do it good, and it was special for me to having an outing with my full-grown 26-year-old daughter – to be selected as her companion.

Our destination, 2.3 miles down the trail, was the M.A.S.H. site. The opening sequence of M.A.S.H. shows a helicopter flying into a landing in the mountains. You see the tents and jeeps with bright red crosses, and then Alan Alda and Hawkeye rush out and under the loud, whirling helicopter blades to unload the wounded soldiers.

They didn’t film that sequence in Korea, where the series takes place. They filmed it in a valley in the foothills of Malibu Canyon. So if you love television, if television is important to you – you can say you hate TV and never watch it, if you want to say that, but you can’t say it doesn’t matter – then visiting the M.A.S.H. is a fine souvenir for your memories. It goes behind the illusion of film and television. It shows you how it is made, and that people do this for a living. And if you can take any pride in Los Angeles and its chief industry, then this is a good way to show some respect.

Besides that you get a fine walk in the morning air, looking at birds and dried desert shrubbery, spotting a lizard, enjoying the cool shade of the coastal oaks, which grow big by the stream. The stream is Malibu Creek – it was full and clear and clean and sparkling. Again I was surprised to see so much water in it.

But the trail also gains several hundred feet in elevation, and I began to feel the difficulty of to much smoking. I watched my breathing, which was not labored, but I wasn’t having fun either. I listened to hear if Eva’s breathing became louder, to make a comparison. As it was, we made it up the grade without sweating or panting, and the workout made my legs feel stronger. After that the trail ambled another mile and a half to the M.A.S.H. site. The set was torn down years ago, but they left the rusted hulk of an old jeep as a marker, and when you walk into this pocket valley you see – yes, clearly, this is where they filmed it, because the mountains look just like what you see on the TV, and that’s re-assuring. M.A.S.H. was a very good show and my mother always liked it. The illusion – that it took place in Korea – of course that was fake, but saying it was fake is too harsh. Our illusions are important and necessary. Los Angeles nurtures and builds these illusions and this is a good thing – to put it simply. A television or movie set in Los Angeles is just as real as a field of corn in Nebraska.

Having gained the M.A.S.H. summit – the small hill shaped like a helicopter landing pad -- we paused and took a long drink of water. I intended to walk back more slowly, to stop and observe whatever caught my attention, but I said nothing to Eva. I had been enjoying very much her silent company. Too often she and I chatter and banter and jibe and debate – a very stimulating thing it is too – she is one of the most interesting people I know – but not this time.

Walking back the 2.3 miles I noticed things, living things – clouds, the slight breeze, some wild fennel growing by the trail side. I broke off a small piece and chewed it in order to freshen my mouth, in order to accept a gift from the spirit of this place. I wondered if the fennel was native to the place, but I doubted that – it was more likely a volunteer, and the seeds wandered in from cultivated gardens elsewhere, seeds blown on the wind, or shat from small birds.

Nearing the parking lot, towards the end of the hike, we came upon six young men wearing only shorts and running shoes, doing warm-up stretches, just about to begin a trail run. I had a small twinge for my lost youth, but it was too good a picture, and I shrugged off the envy. The nobility of manly youth! Their strength and beauty! I didn’t say anything to my daughter, but clearly the young men saw her and she saw them, and I thought, yes, life can be wonderful, and this is a very good day to be walking in Malibu Canyon.

By now I was famished and kept thinking about the food back in the car. We got back to the parking lot. I quickly removed my dust-covered shoes and sticky socks. I unlocked the car, climbed into the seat, and started the engine, so I could get the air-conditioning on. Eva was in the restroom, but I knew how she felt about air-conditioning. She lives in Texas. She’s been there for four years. She understands and believes in air-conditioning. It’s just what you do and you don’t have qualms about it. You don’t wait until you get too hot, you just turn it on whenever you want, as casually as tying your shoes or scratching your nose.

We ate the sandwiches in the parking lot with the motor running, and then drove back the six miles down the canyon to Malibu.

I felt exhilarated. Towards the end of the hike I had a stronger stride – I was ready to go right up the mountain. We stopped for coffee, and then drove two miles south down the Pacific Coast Highway to Malibu Point. It was a Monday morning in September so parking was easy, by the side of the road and the traffic rushed by going very fast underneath the cliffs. We walked down the stairs to the beach which curved out to the right – out to the point. Some two dozen surfers sat on their boards in the easy surf, all clad in wet suits.

Now I began talking, expounding and justifying my life – as fathers do – to impress their daughters, to maintain control, to steer them in a good way. It seemed like the right thing to do, after the silent hike, after avoiding the usual mockery of our conversation – that I could get Eva to take me seriously just this once – except she has heard far too much, over her lifetime, of my mystical hippie twaddle. But I had reserved my time and I had her attention while I began to explain the importance of surfing and how this place, Malibu Point, was particularly hallowed, how it all began here in the 1950’s and 1960s.

I suggested that one of us might strike up a conversation on the beach – ask some questions and perhaps hear a bit of Surfer Truth. “Eva, you could be a dumb blonde from Texas and ask them anything,” I said, but she didn’t reply.

The lifeguard was a cheerful, older man, at least my age, not muscular or buff, but very fit, wearing sunglasses, of course, standing at the water’s edge greeting people.

I had read about the Los Angeles County lifeguards – 150 full-time guards and over 600 part-time guards, guys with other jobs who love the beach life and work the summer weekends. I didn’t even feel bad that it wasn’t me – their job is to watch the waves! For me, just being there was enough, relaxing behind the fantasy – maybe I am getting closer to this wave. But I had too many thoughts.

The wind picked up. It wasn’t warm. Eva sprawled on her towel and read her paperback. I walked over to the small lagoon. Malibu Creek, which we walked along up the canyon, comes down to the ocean at Malibu Point, making a tiny delta, surrounded by the Malibu lush life of expensive real estate, but protected, and the birds sheltered there – grey sea gulls in the hundreds and many pelicans.

I watched the birds – this is my new habit – even to catch some meaning from them. They were neither still nor excited – kind of a weekday, ordinary kind of hub-bub, gulls landing and taking off, pelicans standing not stock-still, but adjusting their feathers and stance.

I walked past the lagoon to the next lifeguard station. Another older lifeguard was walking along the beach. He said there had been a rain squall and even some lightning up in Ventura. Lightning was very unusual around here, he added.

Eva noticed this first – many of the surfers in their forties and older, old men to her. I agreed and I was glad to see that. I told her about surfers and their territory, that technically the waves belonged to everybody, but in fact every established surfing spot has a fixed hierarchy. You can’t just show up and get in, you have to earn respect, and this most hallowed surfing spot was reserved for the guys who had been coming there since the days of Jan and Dean. The kids could go fuck themselves.

Respect. I liked that. I didn’t need to sermonize at my daughter – a bad habit anyway.

The wind picked up even stronger. A chop appeared on the ocean face. We got cold and decided to leave. It was only just past noon. It seemed like we had already lived a whole day what with the early start and the stimulating hike.

We drove south down the Pacific Coast Highway, in tune with the traffic, enjoying the sweeping curves, feeling the Toyota move nicely. When we got home and I took a shower to wash off the sun block. Then I laid down on my pad in the Crafts Room and took a siesta.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

not very often

Some of my older posts are interesting, but I don't come this way very often

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Seth Anderson's Last Message

Although this event took place seven years ago, it seems apropos of the tragedy at Virginia Tech. So many people are looking for answers. People demand an explanation like it was some kind of consumer product – or an apology, which changes nothing. The story that follows is true in every respect, but it’s just what happened -- there is no message.

ANACORTES, WASHINGTON. In September, 2000, Seth Anderson pleaded guilty to the murder of Scott Kinkele. He was sentenced to 38 years in prison, to be served at Walla Walla State Prison. On January 2, 2001, three months into his sentence, he hung himself in his cell and died two days later.

He was brain dead when the guards found him. They took him to the hospital, put him on life support, and then notified his next-of-kin, his mother, Eva Anderson, in Anacortes.

Eva and her best friend, Harriet, drove over the Cascade Mountains the next day, six hours to the eastern part of Washington, to the town of Walla Walla and went straight to the hospital where the doctors and the prison officials were awaiting her. She said she was very grateful for the kindness and patience they showed her. The doctors told Eva there was nothing more they could do for Seth. Eva was able to spend a bit of time with her son. She said he looked peaceful and beautiful. Then it was her decision to terminate the life support.

Seth's body was cremated. On Saturday, January 20, his friends and family held a brief ceremony at the tip of Washington Park in Anacortes, and then scattered his ashes into the water. After the ceremony, I asked Eva if Seth had left a note. She said yes and she showed it to me:

"Hi guys, my last letter here:
I want you to know it's been a helluva ride, but it's time to shoot the horse. Don't think I was distraught cause I wasn't. I fold. I'm through playing cards. I believe we all go somewhere....I love you. I love you all. Mom, you raised good kids, you really did and nothing you did caused this, you are a good, strong woman. And I want you to know I'll see you again. We all need to face facts that this is like a terminal cancer and I'm just speeding it up. I know what I'm doing, and I love you all. Listen for me in the wind.

Your son, your brother, your nephew, friend, and lover,
Seth"

I have been good friends with Seth's parents since before he was born. His father, Tom Anderson, died 15 years ago. His mother, Eva, works as a gardener, and has four other children, all grown up, two girls and two boys.

Seth was a big fellow, like his father, and had a cheerful disposition. When he was a teenager he dropped out of high school and got into drinking and drugs. He was arrested for burglary at that time and served a small amount of time in the county jail. After that episode he came to his senses, joined AA, and quit drinking. Things started going well. He got a decent job in Sedro-Woolley taking care of an elderly man, and he also learned to work with horses and mules at a ranch, which he truly loved.

A few years later he traveled to Alaska and had some success as a commercial fisherman. He was able to buy his mother a good pickup truck for her gardening business. That was a surprise present, his mother told me. He just drove it up to the house and gave it to her. Seth was inclined to that kind of romantic gesture.
So it seemed that his troubles were behind him, but then he started drinking again. He came home to Anacortes in July of 2001, and that's when he went out drinking with his older brother, Eben Berriault, and a mutual friend. The rest of the story about that awful day has been in the local newspapers, but I will summarize:
After a few hours at the tavern, they set out for Mount Baker with a shotgun and a .22 rifle to poach a deer out of season. That kind of low-rent crime is the worst I would have expected from the two brothers, and even so I thought they would have known better then to go off carousing like that.

And there it might have ended -- I've thought many times -- if they had gotten a deer, or if they had been stopped for drunk driving on the way home. But they didn't get a deer and they kept on drinking. They began shooting at road signs. Then, driving back to Anacortes, they fired at some passing cars, hitting at least one.
Finally, around midnight, on Highway 20 near the Swinomish Channel Bridge, either Eben or Adam Moore, the friend, shot at the car driven by Scott Kinkele and the bullet hit him in the back of his head. It was a lucky or an incredibly unlucky shot, the driver and the shooter both being drunk, and both cars going at highway speed.
Scott Kinkele died instantly. His car slowed and swerved to the other side of the highway where it was discovered shortly afterward.

Kinkele was a blameless and admirable young man, a naval officer, a graduate of Annapolis, who was only driving back to the naval air base on Whidbey Island -- with nothing on his mind, but his life and his future, who knows?

The prosecuting attorney termed it a thrill killing. The public reacted with horror. I felt the same way. Two days later Eben and Seth were arrested for the murder -- that's when I found out it was them. It scared the hell out of me. I didn't want to admit to anybody that I knew the family. I felt awful.

How could they do it? What got into them? It was evil. I think even an experienced criminologist or social worker, if they had interviewed those two young men before the crime, would not have expected that kind of mayhem.

Eben, the older brother, had been convicted of manslaughter in 1983 when he was 18. It was some kind of drunken brawl around a campfire in the woods where one man smashed the skull of another man with a rock. Eben testified for the prosecution to describe the actual killing and was given five years in protective custody as a plea bargain.

When he got out of prison in 1988, at the age of 23, I worried about whether he was going to make himself whole again, but 13 years passed and he never got into any trouble. He worked, he married, he had two children -- it seemed like it was all behind him.

It happened anyway -- the passive tense. Eben and Seth and Adam Moore killed Scott Kinkele for no reason.

Moore, the third man in the car, gave all the details to the police. Moore was given a 27-month sentence in return for his cooperation.

But there was no trial. Eben and Seth pleaded guilty to the murder charge before the prosecutor's office could organize an aggravated murder charge that would have carried the death penalty. The victim's family wanted the death penalty. I was relieved that it was over so quickly and that there would be no trial.

That trial, with attendant newspaper headlines day after day, would have been most difficult for many people. Maybe the boys just wanted to get it over with. I don't know, but I was disturbed by Seth's claim that it wasn't his brother who fired the fatal shot, but that it was Adam Moore, the third man, who killed Scott Kinkele.

Adam Moore clearly had motive for lying, and Seth may have wanted to lie to protect his brother by accusing Adam Moore. Eben got a sentence of 55 years, but I didn't hear a confession from him, only a fatal resignation and a guilty plea. A trial may have established more certainty.

But Seth was driving the car regardless and he made no excuses and had no explanation either.

They sent him to Walla Walla prison for 38 years, but he didn't want to be there. As a child I was taught that suicide is wrong. When I was older I learned that despair is the root of many sins. Seth had no despair in him at the end. He made a calm and deliberate decision for atonement and peace. And he got lucky -- he got out of prison alive and spent his last moments in the arms of his loving mother.

Recent events at Virginia Tech reminded me of Seth’s crime seven years ago. So I dug in my archives to read again his final note – no apology, no explanation, no excuses, and no blame except to himself. He committed the c rime and he paid for it. There’s really nothing more to say.

Postscript:
* Eben Berriault, Seth’s older brother, has 48 more years to serve on his sentence. He is in Monroe State Prison in Washington. His mother, his wife, and his two children visit him every two weeks.
*Scott Kinkele’s mother died a few years after the crime, her life shortened by the tragedy of her son’s death.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

in Seattle

I am in Seattle now. It's raining.

Friday, February 09, 2007

discomfort

I am in a coffee shop in Pomona, California. I still have at least a one-hour drive to my sister's home in Venice on the beach -- but the rush hour traffic is too rough. So I pulled off the freeway and found this espresso place. I'm having a very good double latte skim milk. I wish the bathroom wasn't broken because I need to pee really badly.

Also, continuing with physical comfort, I was unable to shower or bathe last night. I chose to sleep at a very nice campground in the California desert, but it is the desert still and they had no shower facilities. Instead, I took a cold wet towel bath in the chilly air last evening. This is done by pouring water on one end of a large towel -- stripping to the waist, and then rub,rub, rub -- using the dry end of the towel for drying off.

That kind of quick bath works -- at least it helped me to sleep comfortably, but this morning, I am feeling funky-nasty and unshaved.

Continuing along these lines -- I can shave, because of my strong cordless electric shaver, and I will do that after I finish this latte. I will shave while standing around my car and then peeking into the sideview mirror to see if I got all the whiskers.

Shaving usually makes me feel like less of a road-bum -- which is what I am, after three days driving from Texas

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Total Wuss

I was in the pit of despair at the thought of leaving Texas and my daughter yesterday morning. About two hours after I got on the road, I began to feel wonderful. Everything is fresh and new -- now that I am actually in it.

I drove to Seminole Canyon by the Rio Grande and slept out under the stars last night -- it was like being near to heaven -- there are no city lights in this far west place, so you can see the Milky Way -- even the soft shimmering part with thousands of stars.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Leaving Texas

I'm leaving Texas today after one year and a half. I'm going to miss my daughter a lot, and I will miss Texas a little. I am driving to Los Angeles to stay with my brother and sister. I will be glad to see them, and I do like LA quite a bit, especially the beach and the wonderful waves -- even this time of year.

Later, in April I will go back to the Skagit Valley and see my friends.

I'm tired of everything -- struggling, fixing, moving, learning, relating, driving, walking, eating, reading, making appointments, staying informed, bathing, -- I'm tired of everything.

What's the point of going from one place to another? Nothing ever happens anyway. Mainly I wish that I hadn't sold my home in LaConner three years ago. I never was one to wallow in regrets, but I am kicking myself now.

I thought, at the time, that if I sold my house, my life would get better -- I would get shut of my ex-wife and I would just go someplace else and start over.

But that didn't work. There is no starting over. It just keeps going on. It was hard for me after the divorce, with the kids gone, living in an empty house. But I should have stayed there -- I ended up living in an empty apartment anyway.

I should have kept the house. I was bound to suffer. I suffered anyway -- and now I don't even have the house.

No particular place to go. Today, I just throw my things into the car and drive someplace else. It doesn't really matter. I hate it.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Listening

I listen.

I can hear what you are saying, although it may seem that I am lost in thought.

Perhaps I don't hear your words, but I am looking at your hands. Your hands tell me what your words do not.

Or the room we are in, this cafe -- the music, the sound of the street. Why do they always have to put the music on? Because I like the sound of the street.

And your words, and your mouth.

I could be looking at your mouth, every imperfection. And then I would imagine you and how you felt this morning, when you saw those same imperfections in the mirror.

And how you smelled, not now, but this morning, as you really are.

Then I am still looking at you.

No, I don't listen well.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Indoor Soccer, Lentil Soup, Daily Mass

I watched my daughter play indoor soccer earlier this evening. When we got home, it was past nine, so I missed the beginning of "Boston Legal," but I got over that.

I had cooked the lentil soup this morning, before leaving the house to go to Mass at noon. But I didn't cook it all the way done. Old lentils take longer to cook, I think.

So, when we came home from indoor soccer, and we missed the first part of "Boston Legal," I found out that the lentil soup wasn't ready to eat. In fact, it's still cooking -- frustrating the way things don't work out.

I went to daily Mass at St. Mary's Cathedral in downtown Austin. I forgot how much I liked it. I go to Sunday Mass several times a year, but it's usually crowded with people I don't know, and it takes at least an hour, which is too long for me.

Weekday Mass takes less than 45 minutes, and there are only a few people there.

At the cathedral, I enjoyed very much looking at the stained glass, and I imagined myself in the Middle Ages.

I am becoming more humble. Less often do I think that I know better than most other people. I am also relating to women in a better way. All women are my sisters, I realized.

I finished my book on the Crusades, called "God's War," by Christopher Tyerman, a medieval historian at Oxford University. All 921 pages -- it was wonderful. I sent Professor Tyerman an email of admiration and praise, and hope that he acknowledge my message.

But now what will I read? Do you know that sad feeling when you finish a good book and the future looks a little empty? I have that feeling now. And the lentils are still cooking.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

None of your business

I recommend Aurielle's blog for intimacy. Go to auriella.blogspot.com

Aurielle actually does not reveal everything. Privacy is essential. For good writing you need to tell something about yourself -- but not everything. Like this very interesting dream I had last night about my father -- that's all I want to say about it.

Also, that I feel a little throaty and fluish this morning. Do you really want to know more?

Better to say something less personal. Like "It's winter in Texas."

The Winter in Texas is not very long, but it is damn cold when it comes. It is just plain cold everywhere -- not looking at the thermometer, but at the sky -- cold -- damp, penetrating cold.

I'm going to pick up a bucket of Vitamin C and stay home for the rest of the day.

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Raft

I'm on the raft now. I left the island. Friday, when I launched, I was scared and sick to my stomach. The winter weather was oppressive. But I had to get going -- that day. It was 8:30 in the morning, and the building was about to come crashing down on me, and the tide was running the right way -- It was launch day. I knew it was coming. Still, I was afraid.

I have been three days adrift now. Saturday was rough. Sunday afternoon the sun came out and the sky cleared. It was still cold. But I wasn't scared anymore. I had enough food with me, and I was a lot calmer.

Today, Monday, I even feel good to be floating along -- regaining a sense of inner ballast. The vessel is sound. The charted course is set. And I'm on my way.

Friday, January 05, 2007

still not blogging

Not blogging now, but you might enjoy the archives.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

not doing much here

If you want to read what I'm writing, you can get on the mailing list of my weekle email newsletter. Just send me a note

Send it to froghospital911@gmail.com

Sunday, November 12, 2006

time and time again

I am at the beach near Corpus Christi, Texas. Today is Nov. 12. My blog effort has moved to the aeclectic tarot forum. You can find directions to that site on the previous post.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

back from a long summer sleeping

The blog slowly wakes up. I spend more time writing posts at the Aeclectic Tarot Forum, which is at www.tarotforum.net.

Scroll down to Chat, then locate a thread called "The Island," written primarily by someone named Pocono Platypus -- that's me.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Evening

Now it is the evening. The sun has gone down. It is dark. I am not afraid.

I write to you from Floresville, a small town near San Antonio, Texas. I am at the coffeehouse in the strip-mall, as we call it. This part of town is infested with Grackles. For those of you elsewhere on the planet, I will explain. One Grackle is fine. But they come in flocks, huge flocks, tens of thousands. Their call is an unpleasant sound -- hence, "grackle." And of course their scat piles up odoriferously.

Grackles are a manifestation of ecological imbalance -- there are simply too many of them, whilst other bird species are in decline.

It is popular to blame all this on mankind, which is probably correct, but why don't we blame the Grackles too, and some of the other species? If we are not the supreme species, then we cannot be the only ones responsible for the foul winds blowing on the planet.

I talk to the animals. I didn't used to, this is a new thing for me, which began in the last year or so -- a desire to understand and communicate with animals. The real change came a few months ago, when a cricket flew into my aprtment and I befriended it, keeping it as a pet for six weeks, and we had many conversations. Mainly I used to sing to the little fellow, and he would look up at me, and we both wondered what was going on.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

slow blog, no blog

Waverly Fitzgerald is hot for her new blog, but this one is about dead. Go to her blog with a new flower every day and breath inspiration. God bless.

http://livinginseason.blogspot.com/

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Lizard Life

Hot here, 98 degrees. Lizard Life. Slow. Slow walk, slow talk, slow think, no think.

Horse in a pasture, just standing there. Or cows, cow-eyed, big, beautiful empty brown cow eyes. That was this morning, and I bought home-grown tomatoes at the farmstand -- fabulous juicy taste.

I took photos of the old refinery out by the Wilson County line, rusty pipes and cracking towers, weeds, broken gates. Lazarus Energy (real name) bought the old refinery and plans to fire it up -- news story. I wrote it.

Now I'm at the coffee shop in San Antonio, on the black couch, It's quiet here. Ceiling fan. Two damsels on their black couches with their laptops.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I can't tell that story

I just deleted a post I wrote about a friend of mine -- an old man who lives in the Veteran's Home near here -- I visit him now and then, but he's not fully competent, which means I can't tell his story even though I know he would like it if I did. I would have to ask his son. Since the story involves a conflict between the old man and his son, this could be dicey -- but I will ask. If the son says no, then I can't tell the story.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

My ex-wife

My ex-wife was really mad at me for writing something about her two months ago. She called me up and cursed at me. I didn't hear from her for several weeks, but then she called again, very nicely, and said don't write anything about her anymore.

I have two responses to that. One, is that I can hardly tell my story without her being in it, and two -- the thing I wrote about her is by far the single thing that would most embarrass her -- so the worst is over. What I wrote about was the one secret of hers that I still kept, and I felt like I didn't need to keep it anymore. Nothing else I know about her is a secret, so I think it's okay.

However, a pseudonym might be a good thing at this point. The best one is the "African Woman," or else "Betty" or "Elizabeth."

I miss her a lot. People, including myself, thought I was crazy to marry her. She ruined my life, cost me all my money -- but she was so incredibly beautiful, so very, very beautiful, I just couldn't help it -- she could talk me into anything.

I love you

Words uttered at the Museum of Fine Art in Boston in October, 1990, sitting with her on a bench, facing a very large painting by Renoir, of a European woman swirling in a Japanese kimono -- I think that was the painting. It would be nice to be in love again -- which doesn't happen that often, as Aurielle reminds me.

Okay, then how about a fling?

Friday, June 02, 2006

this cafe

I keep coming to this cafe, at the corner of Beauregard and South Alamo. It's a little bit precious, but there is the one seat by the front window and under the ceiling fan -- that's my seat. Except she -- the sweet young thing -- is occupying it, so tonight I have the second best seat. Speaking of sweet young things, Holly left the newspaper today, going someplace else -- pretty darn near the most beautiful woman in Texas, nice too, fun. I'm glad she left -- she was frustrated and bored.

Last night I talked with Joe Lopez, the artist who operates La Gallista gallery. Joe calls himself "el puro gallo" -- number one rooster, cock of the walk. Maybe he was a tough guy long back. not now. I took his photo for the newspaper, and photos of his paintings -- and photos of a painting by Celestine Hinojosa, who I spoke to on the phone. I loved talking to her -- she is very beautiful. Her painting was called "nicho de la cruz azul." This is an Hispanic gallery. Maybe I can meet Celestina, such a nice name. Joe is my friend now. He has told me a lot of things about his life, his family, and where he grew up. His gallery is ten blocks from here, on South Flores Street -- in a different neighborbood.

This neighborhood -- a little too precious, fey, yuppie, hip -- but not expensive, nothing in San Antonio is expensive, and it was easy to park, and the soft evening breeze and light music, sweet gardens, slow walkers, fragrance.

Joe's neighborhood is five block past the edge of gentrification, in the vast all- Mexican south side of San Antonio. Vato Loco!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

at the ball game

Humongous jets flying over -- dark gray jets, giantic -- taking off from Kelly Air Force Base, near the ball bark. Quiet skies, cool breezes, 4,773 fans, Missions are losing 1-3 to the Tulsa Drillers, which will bring their season record to 20-31 -- and a firm grip on last place.

These are the San Antonio Missions. Fernando Valenzuela played here in 1980. Brooks Robinson played here in the 1950s. Joe Morgan too.

It's a nice park. I like this seat in the press box, looking over my laptop on to home plate.

It rained today. My brother called me from California. He's trying to teach summer school this year, but I told him I hope he gets the summer off. I pointed out all the wonderful things he could do all summer long, since he is now living at my sister's house only ten minutes walk to the beach in Venice. That would be sweet -- a summer on the beach. Although being here all summer at the ball game a couple of times each week -- that's pretty good.

More rain

It rained twice this week. The rain today was sweet and gentle. It lasted for hours. This is so much better. I have been tending the roses in the courthouse square and they have begun to bloom.

I'm in San Antonio, back at this cafe where I can write this blog. I'm going to the baseball game in five minutes.

Scientists discovered news species of animals in an undergound cave in Israel which had been sealed off from any moisture or nutrients coming from above the ground -- sealed off for millions of years..... The scientists found a black, warm cave universe -- Whatever creatures live there -- maybe we should tell them about religion and technology and war -- sort of a share thing.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Mad Hatters

I just mailed Frog Hospital, No. 190, titled "Making Corrections. I am sitting in a coffee shop in San Antonio called Mad Hatters, in the artsy area called Southtown, lots of gay people here.

Things are getting better for me. I have the cowboys to write about, then I do garden work in the Courthouse Square. It's a volunteer project, but I keep track of my hours. Evenings I have my press pass to the minor league baseball game -- the San Antonio Missions in the Texas League -- it's totally cool.

Or, I can go to Southtown -- no cowboys here. Or maybe the gay cowboys come here, but I haven't seen them.

Anyway, I got choices. Except for the weather. It's hot. It will be hot until October. I have been adjusting to the heat, but I see the natives walking around like they don't even notice it -- I am a long way from that. I wonder if they sweat as much as I do. Maybe if you ignore it, it will go away -- the heat, I mean.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

"God Must Hate Me," Oil Can Boyd

Pete Rose & Capital Punishment
This is not a serious baseball story.
It’s not about Pete Rose, and
it’s not about capital punishment.
although for the first few paragraphs
it might seem so.

BOSTON, MASS., 1992. I always hated Pete Rose, right from the beginning back in the early seventies. I used to watch the World Series, and when they showed him on third base I would start screaming and gnashing my teeth. He didn’t care a damn about anybody except to play his game and win. Baseball isn’t supposed to be like that. Football is for hard-ass people -- but baseball players should have enough sense to get in out of the rain. Not Pete Rose, he would have played with Vince Lombardi in Green Bay when it was twenty below zero. I always hated him.

So when he got caught for gambling I wasn’t surprised -- he’s a very compulsive man. Something serious had to be done about it -- he has banned from baseball for life. That didn’t make me feel any better because I still can’t stand him. Maybe they wanted to make an example out of him, but Pete Rose is truly one of a kind, or maybe two of a kind if you count Ty Cobb.

Banned for life -- and if baseball is your life than this amounts to a death sentence, which means the man has absolutely no incentive to change his behavior. What could he get out of it if he changed? He would still be a non-person.
Following this line of thought a little further, we can begin to understand why the Red Sox have waited so long to win the World Series. The curse of the Bambino -- you know about that -- it’s because they traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1921. The curse is real, but Babe didn’t put it on the Red Sox, if you think about it. Why would a pleasure-loving man like the Babe put a curse on somebody? The curse was self-imposed. The morbid Calvinistic temperament in New England fosters a belief in punishment. First they did something awful and stupid when they sold the greatest player the game ever had. Then, to compound the injury, the cursed themselves -- the Red Sox would forever come close, but never win the big one. Eternal Damnation. Cotton Mather would have approved.

Of course I’m new around here. For the past twenty years I’ve been out on the West Coast where people have no sense of history -- they can hardly remember what happened yesterday. And the idea of a missing out on a good time because of some unfortunate mistake is considered absurd.

This curse thing is definitely East Coast, and I’m wondering if it will ever end? It would help if the baseball rulers would cut Pete Rose some slack be reinstating him in baseball on condition that he mend his ways -- that would motivate him. “Banned for life” to Pete Rose and “cursed forever” to the Red Sox -- they go together. I know this sounds kind of pie in the sky. I’m not suggesting anything really fantastic like the Red Sox should start running and stealing bases or build a bigger stadium out in the suburbs -- just some straightforward new age thinking. The team that cursed themselves can let go of that burden. Forgiveness begins at home, it is a sublime human attribute.

Attitudes change, although in New England you always need a crowbar and jackhammer to get anything to move, because people here are so set in their ways. The Red Sox can win the World Series if they want to -- if they only let go and start to have fun. Next Year.

I really think this is true, and that my reasoning is as sound as anybody’s, but let me tell you about the game we saw.

It was July 30, an overcast day and so not too hot, when this gang of underemployed lawyers, real estate developers and civil servants came up from New York on the shuttle to watch the Red Sox play the Texas Rangers. They were out for a good time. Some of the guys made phone calls between innings but that was just for effect and out of habit --
“Anything going on at the office?”
“No, nothing going on here.”
“Fine, well, I’ll get back to you later.”

I know Jim Gardella really well. Jim and his cadre of cronies got ousted in a political coup last year when Mayor Dinkins took over the city government. He still occupies his office at Brooklyn City Hall, be he fills his melancholy days doing crossword puzzles and waiting for the phone to ring. It never does. He eats lunch in empty restaurants. “Where did everybody go?” he says to the maitre’d, who smiles back at him politely.

But at least he has time for baseball. Jim told me that the group was coming up to Boston for the game, and he mailed me a ticket so I could meet him at the Park. We had seats in the centerfield bleachers. It was an afternoon game on a Tuesday, and the house was packed --children, idlers, the unemployed, and the usual riffraff.
The Red Sox were a disaster in July, they were in fourth place, nine games behind Toronto. I was very pessimistic.

I hated Jack Clark. He had 89 strikeouts so far this year. The pitcher threw the ball -- I looked, Jack Clark looked -- only I couldn’t swing because I didn’t have a bat. But I thought, reasonably enough, that since Jack Clark did have a bat, his job required more than mere observation. The bum! I wanted to take his gold chain and choke him.

I sat next to Jim at the game and he introduced me to his friends. Shelley, the lawyer, had arranged to buy the tickets, so everybody was giving him a hard time about being in the bleachers. They said, “Next year let’s make it a rule that we get seats in the same city that they’re playing the game in.”

But the women in the group liked the bleacher seats because it gave them a view of nine sets of powerful athletic buns. On a serious note, the bleacher seat are good because it’s like being on the field, being a part of the defense. It gives a wide view of the whole field, not the details, but the sweep of the play. And it gives the pleasure of being a common man, no better or worse than his fellows. Privilege is exhilarating, but the humbler seats can be more relaxing.

Ed Burke came in during the third inning. He said the seats were lousy but so were the Red Sox and they weren’t worth more than $6 to see anyway. Ed’s a funny guy -- he was wearing a white cap, and he had a gum massager sticking out of his shirt pocket. Ed’s a State Senator; he’s been representing Framingham for twenty years. Then he did his political thing, updating his file by asking Jim and me about our families, children, schools, wives, etc. He left a few innings later. Jim asked me how come Ed doesn’t have any clout? How come he couldn’t get us better seats?

The Red Sox won the game 11 to 6. They sent 14 batters to the plate in the third inning and scored 10 runs. Six of those runs were from the hot bat of Carlos Quintana, my favorite player. He got a grand slam for four runs, and a double for two. That’s my man. Carlos is a different kind of guy than Jack Clark. The proper psychology with a guy like Clark is to heap abuse on him when he’s playing badly. He likes the attention and it gets him mad. Eventually he will take out his aggression on the ball and hit it over the fence, which happened the very next day.

But the “Q” is a gentler soul, a man who responds better to approval and kindness. He had been playing badly because he had been treated badly by Joe Morgan, the Red Sox manager. Carlos’ feelings were hurt. He had been playing first base well and hitting over .300 when Mo Vaughan got called up from Pawtucket. Mo was the new hero that everybody was excited about. They made T-shirts about him, they splashed him all over the sports page. He was black and would be a credit to his race in Boston. (They hadn’t advanced much further than this in the Old Towne.)

Morgan put Vaughan on first base and sent Quintana to right field. Quintana immediately went into a hitting slump and made careless errors in the field. It was Morgan’s mistake, not mine. My policy of abuse towards Clark and affection towards Quintana would pay off in the following two games, as the Red Sox came out of their torpor and began to play like a team.

The next day the Red Sox faced the Athletics and did what they hadn’t been able to do for six weeks -- come from behind and win. I’ll quote Nick Cafardo, a sportswriter for the Boston Globe.

“Maligned as a free-agent bust throughout his tempestuous first season in Boston, Jack Clark gave Red Sox fans a glimpse of why the teams acquired him. Actually three glimpses.
“Three monumental glimpses.
“Clark drove in six runs as he cracked three homers, including a net shot off Steve Chitren in the bottom of the 14th inning that lifted the Red Sox to a palpitating 11-10 victory over the Oakland A’s...”

It was a wonderful game, the lead kept changing hands. It was a slugger’s feast, vintage Red Sox style. I watched it on TV.

Before, when they had been playing badly, it wasn’t just that they were losing, but that they would give up in the third inning and lose two to nothing.

So the team turned it around and gave us a season. They are still “in it”, and today, Labor Day, the Red Sox are five games in back of the Blue Jays. I feel satisfied.

“God Must Hate Me”
Before leaving the game and joining the New York gang for dinner, we need to talk about Oil Can Boyd. He was pitching for the Rangers. You know a lot of these guys up from New York are Mets fans -- may they all burn in hell, may their toast get soggy every morning. Mets fans are the worst people in the world. You remember 1986 as well as I do, when Oil Can was pitching for the Red Sox and they lost the Series to the Mets. You remember where you were that day like you remember Kennedy’s assassination.
The Can is one of the games truly existential players, a man with a mind as well as a heart, a human being of tragic proportions. He’s the “Natural”, the one they wrote the book about.

Michael Madden, another Globe reporter, wrote about Boyd’s loss to the Sox on the day we were there in the bleachers:
Other men might have lied and said it was just another day. Just another game. Other men might have tried to put the best face, the phony face, on a bad situation gone worse. But not the Can, because the Can knows how to speak only from his heart:
“For me to be traded to the Rangers, and for me to pitch my first two games against the Boston Red Sox means that God must hate me.

“It’s the worst game I ever pitched in my life. And for a lot of reasons. First of all, I never wanted to pitch in Fenway Park again.....I’ve never walked the bases full before, and I’ve never given up a grand slam homer, and it all happened in one day, shit, it all happened in one inning. I just look at it and say it was meant to be.

“I don’t have anything to cherish about Boston. You talk about the ‘86 World Series, but I don’t care about any of that. That year a lot of things happened to me that probably will go to the grave with me, and still don’t let me get no peace of mind. So I don’t have anything to feel good about at all and especially today. Today just poured gas on it. Just made the flame bigger.”

We stayed until the end of the game because it was nice in the Park. Many of the New Yorkers had never seen Fenway Park before. It was a treat for them, and they could even make charitable comments about it.

We piled into three taxis and headed for Anthony’s Pier Four Restaurant. There was a lot of hoo-hooing in our car about going to Anthony’s. Shelley said, “They fill that place with old ladies on tour buses, why don’t we go to a real restaurant?” Shelley lived in Boston once, on Beacon Street -- he showed us the apartment when we drove by. He made some cryptic remarks about Boston being a cold town, a mean town. He didn’t say what kind of trouble he had, but I bet it was some kind of bad luck with a woman.

Anthony Athanas owns Pier Four and the surrounding 36 acres of very valuable waterfront property. He’s Albanian. He’s an old man and very well connected. He had just sold the property surrounding the restaurant to the federal government for a fabulous profit. The feds will build a courthouse on the land. The guys in our group would have killed to get in on this deal, but they don’t really know anybody. I could tell that, because they were with me. It’s like Grouch Marx’s rule about clubs, the ones he wouldn’t join if they were willing to accept him as a member. Power brokers don’t have dinner with me unless they’re on the skids.

Still we were a merry crew. They gave us a table for twelve outside on the deck, and we made a lot of noise. Now I was bluffing just like the rest of these guys do on a real estate deal. I had twenty dollars in my pocket and an overdrawn checking account. Naturally I flourished a ten spot and paid for the cab ride when we got there. That didn’t leave me with money for dinner, but I was hoping for the Greater Fool -- that one of these guys was so desperate to put on a show and he would pick up the tab -- and I could get off with pretending I wanted to pay.

I hedged my bets -- I ordered way down the menu, choosing the striped bass special for $9.95. Jim Gardella ordered it too, mainly because he’s a cheapskate. The others guys were going for the gold -- three pound lobsters, steamer clams for appetizers, nice wine from the list and Grand Marnier after dinner. The wine was good. Jim -- the other Jim, the one who looks like the Great Gatsby -- ordered the wine. He wore his blazer and tie all through the meal and never unbuttoned his collar. Then he had this sophisticated conversation with the wine steward, and, for God’s sakes, the rest of the table took him seriously. They say New Yorkers are street smart, but they fell for this game.

Jim -- the real Jim -- was making a complete fool of himself over Amy, the 30-year-old beauty who was making her first trip with this group. He kept hitting on her and wanted to sit next to her at dinner. She asked me if I would please sit between Jim and her, which I did. Jim was being no worse than usual. You have to remember that his friends go with him to out of town ball games because they know they won’t be seen.

The bill came to $600 including tip, to be divided up 12 ways. I guess my bluff didn’t work because nobody wanted to make a $600 impression and pick up the tab. I was forced to ask Jim for a loan of fifty to pay my share, and I wrote him a hot check to cover it.

Boy, it was a lot of fun. Now the sun was going down, and some of us walked to the railing and looked at the water and the boats going by. Jim and I talked quietly for a little bit. Jim’s a good guy, and I really like him. These New Yorkers have a sense of humor and style. Boston is a good town, but it can get a little too serious here without some outside help.

Limited Access

I have a ton of things to write about -- but my Internet access has been limited lately and I have not been able to post. Please be patient. I will get back here as soon as I can.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Beer

I got off the couch and drove down to the Longbranch for a beer. The Longbranch is safe on Saturday night -- nobody goes there. It was quiet there, but not quiet enough. I got a Budweiser for $2.50. It tasted really good. I drank it quickly and came back here. I took a warm bath. I continued reading Saul Bellow's book about his trip to Jerusalem in 1976. It's 10:30. I found more beer in the refrigerator, a Japanese brew called Kirin Ichiban. It has a good, bitter taste -- and thirst-quenching as well. I sweated a lot today working in the garden.

The Couch

I can lie on the couch. I can't do anything else. The daughter has encouraged me to step out on the town -- impossible. I could watch a DVD, but I would have to go get one -- impossible. I can't be around people, even nice people -- too stressful.

I was thinking of going back to landscaping, but now I'm thinking of doing farm work instead. Maybe I could work for Alan Messman at his dairy farm -- long hours and quiet. I could probably do that. I wouldn't have to talk to people. I would talk to people when I wanted to, but only when I wanted to.

I could spend time with the cows. They are easy to get along with, although there is lots of work to take care of them. If I did that for a few months, I would probably be all right.

Got the fever

Power tools can give you the fever -- get you pumped up, and you end up working harder, faster, and longer than you should. I just finished weedeating the front yard. It took me one hour. I stopped to rest. I was going to go right ahead and do the back yard, but then I remembered the fever. And I remembered that I had not eaten dinner. So I put the tools away and sat on a chair for a while to see how good it looks -- The fact is that it doesn't look much better. The yard is really rough, and I just made it a little less rough -- it's just going to take a while.

Clementine's

I'm sitting on the red couch at Clementine's coffee shop. The place is full. Looking around, I'm the only one here over 30 years old. It's a little noisy.

I'm reading a non-fiction book by Saul Bellow, "To Jerusalem and Back," which he wrote in 1976. Thirty years ago. And none of these kids were born, and there were no laptops or cell phones either.

But Israel was in great danger, and still is. Nothing has gotten better in the Middle East

Poison Ivy

I went to Austin today to help the daughter in the garden. I put on long sleeves, pants, and double gloves. I pulled up a garbage bag full of poison ivy. I didn't get too much of the roots, but I made a dent in it. It was hot work. My shirt was soaked with sweat.

When I finished, I took off all my clothes and put them in the washer. Then I took a shower and scrubbed all over with soap. The best way to handle poison ivy is to be totally paranoid about it. I've gotten it before, and it's hell. You see the glistening leaves, and they call out to you in a very wicked way, "Touch me, feel me, stroke me."

However, by doing the toughest job, I pleased the daughter and then lazed on the couch for a while.

In one hour, when it's cooler, I will go back out with the weedeater and give the yard a trim. Then, first thing Sunday morning, when it's cool, I will rake it all up -- that's quiet work, and I will have the pleasure of seeing something get done.

Removing the poison ivy focused my mind quite wonderfully -- total focus, total paranoia. This was good, because I was in such a funk, such a you-can't-win and my-life-is-over mood. I am such a moody bastard. In fact, now I'm sitting here again, sinkng back into misery.

It's so good that I have work to do. The garden has saved my life a thousand times.

I am at the absolute end of my rope at the newspaper. It has been this way for over a month. The only thing keeping my there now is a need to maintain my esteem in the eyes of my children. Both of them would wish that I "make something of myself."

Well -- it's what I have expected of them. I was never totally demanding with them, only slightly demanding. And fairly direct, not coy. I told them, more than once, "do something to make me proud, give me something to brag about to my friends," and they accompished things, like graduating from college.

Now the shoe is on the other foot. I am short of being an embarrassment to them, but they have don't have much to say either. I don't know. I want to ask my daughter to please just let me be myself, and that I can't live up to her expectations.

Aimless hippy drifter -- that's what they have on me. It never ends, from one generation to the next.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Friday in San Antonio

I took the day off from the newspaper. I drove into San Antonio. I'm at a coffee shop, sitting in a wingback chair next to a large window. I'm going to Whole Foods to buy brown rice and quinoa. I will probably go to Borders to look at magazines. I don't know too much about San Antonio -- there is a lot of cultural variety here, but I'm not plugged in to anything. I don't have a plan, but to drive, wandering aimlessly around town and see what I see.

CAR NAPS. I like to park my car in the shade, tilt back the seat, and take a car nap. I do it all the time.

I had a great phone chat with an old friend in LaConner last night. We talked for one hour. The topic: anxiety. She has a lot of experience with anxiety, but it's a new thing for me. Any way, we shared experiences, analyzed our respective situations, and shared coping strategies.

My old standard emotional states were: anger and depression. I did that for years. First depression, then anger, then depression again -- the old reliables.

It's curious to me why I hardly get angry at all anymore, but instead I have developed anxiety. They are both completely fear-based emotions. It could be that I'm too old to waste the energy to be angry, so instead of responding to fear by a vigorous display of anger, I simply quiver and quake.

This is a good development, going from anger to anxiety -- it's more direct.

So, what am I afraid of?