Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Late, Late, Late at night

If it was late at night, would I still see it this way? Would I still want to call her up, wake her from sleep, and plead with her, or scream at her?

I don't know. I don't know anything. I hardly know..... I was going to say, "I hardly know who I am," but I do know who I am.

I know myself. There has never been a small moment of doubt, ever since I was a small boy.

But it's true, that when I was a small boy, when I first realized who I was, at that time I became very angry. I was angry because other people could not see me for what I truly was. They kept asking me, so stupidly, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Want to be?" I felt inside so much contempt for this stupid question. "Why would I want to be anything, when I was already a golden magnificence?" And I knew this when I was seven. But I was very angry, because all the grownup were so stupid.

I remained angry about this until three weeks ago when I sat in prayer in the lobby of the Church of Christ in Stockdale, and I felt, miraculously, that all the anger was leaving me forever. It just popped out of my skin, like little balls of fire, while I was in that church. Although I wasn't really inside with the congregation, but beyond the glass doors, where I could see inside, at the preacher, but also see outside to the blue sky and fresh air. That's where I sat, when the anger left, that
I had held inside of me since I was seven-years-old.

It was the power of the spirit that took the anger from me, but there was a reason as well -- because now people around me finally realize that I am something, and they no longer look at me with their stupid questions. And I have forgiven them.


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